This story is based on reviews of the 3 Wolf Moon shirts on Amazon. Search there and read a handful of the reviews – they are quite hilarious.
A group of co-workers bought this shirt, and the below story is what happened when I put it on. Be careful of the 3 Wolf Moon shirt – crazy shit happens. Note the ending phase is a common phrase used at my employer Point B.
I put on the wolf shirt. Yes, Gina, it happened. It was purely by accident, but does that really matter? Unfortunately, I cannot share the entire story due to an affidavit (see attached below), nor do I completely believe the officers’ explanation.
I traveled to the Washington DC area this week for a conference. The conference was two days, Wednesday and Thursday. To no one’s surprise, I went out Wednesday evening and drank too many shots. I stumbled back to my hotel room and accidentally put on the wolf shirt for bedtime. The shirt was still in my bag as I was hiding it from my partner after reading about cautionary tales of magical vasectomy repairs and the generation of twins (see amazon reviews with 1 star). I went to bed and had a bizarre dream. It was like a time-lapse movie moving through a city, parks, people’s lawns, woods, crossing streams. It was all a blur. The most remarkable part of the memory was a smell. The most beautiful smell in the world – and I was searching for the source. I don’t remember ever experiencing such a scent before – but there it was. After some time, I stopped in the dream but then felt several hard objects hitting me all over my body.
My next memory is waking up naked on a cold cement floor in an empty cell. There was no bed, no sink, no nothing – nothing in the cell except for me. I was quite pleased that I didn’t have a nasty hangover, though. Other than being disoriented, I felt pretty darn good considering.
I got up and rattled on the extra thick bars and yelled. After a couple of minutes, a guard arrived and handed me a grey jumpsuit, heavily chained head to toe. I was then taken to an interrogation room and locked to a large desk and chair. I was introduced to 3 officers, two from Interpol (one tall thin man and a beautiful but strangely asexual red-headed woman) and a weird guy from the FBI. It turns out I was in the Interpol office in Baltimore, MD. I asked how I arrived there, and they explained how they found me outside a large apartment building a few miles away.
What I can share is that I had run from my hotel all the way to Baltimore that evening, covering about 50 miles in less than 2 hours. I was shown video surveillance with me running with nothing on except for the wolf shirt. It was quite the terrorizing sight though I was running at over 30 MPH, so the glimpse people got was quick. Another piece of evidence Interpol showed me was satellite imagery showing a distinct infrared signature that Interpol uses to track down wolfian fugitives. After the local surveillance cameras pick up local images, the infrared signature is established and programmed into the satellites. The image looked like a small red comet moving across the screen.
I was told that by sleeping with the shirt on, I was able to pick up the scent of a woman also wearing the shirt that night while sleeping. The nearest one happened to be in Baltimore, and I was seeking her out. The surveillance system in Washington has special tagging for men running with these shirts, and Interpol is notified immediately. Interpol has jurisdiction on this type of incident as Amazon and others sell the shirts worldwide and beyond the jurisdiction of the FBI though the FBI does observe interrogations. Interpol was able to intercept me at the park. They believe the woman lived nearby as I was whimpering and panting. Since I had stopped, it was Interpol’s opportunity to shoot me with five elephant tranq guns – it took over 20 tranq shots before I was brought down.
Even after seeing the surveillance coverage, I still couldn’t imagine it was me, but the pictures were obvious. I asked what would have happened to the woman if I had reached her. They told me that the woman was never in danger though likely felt me nearby as I approached and became ravenously in heat. If the two of us were to have coupled, I was told there were two results. First, the coupling itself would have certainly resulted in at least one male child. That male child would have permanent wolfian “enhancements”.
The second impact was on any “civilians” nearby when the coupling occurs. Due to the howling and moaning, howling and moaning, all women in a 100-meter radius lose complete interest in their current partner. The impact was even severe on any “civilians” within a 15-meter radius. Women would not only lose interest in their current partners; they would begin a life of extreme promiscuity in search of both what they heard and for the enhanced pheromones nearby. Most of these women never find satisfaction, as they are unaware of the critical combination of two Wolf Moon shirts. The severe impact applies to the men in that radius, as well. They lose all confidence and move to their parent’s basement, where they never have relations again.
The other part of the story I am allowed to share is that the implications are even more severe when the moon is full. The Interpol lead interrogator told me that on those nights, there is a convergence where all men and women are wearing the shirt to bed all meet. The orgy session is quite diabolical as the males generated from these events become the desire of all women worldwide, and women are losing interest in “civilians.” The long-term impact is a .1% class of super-enhanced males that end up doing Dos Equis commercials while all other males become a severely limited underclass. Women cannot resist these super-enhanced men and lose all desire for the underclass. The harvest and any blue moons are the most powerful.
After the interrogation was over, I was required to destroy the shirt. The Interpol office has a special coal-fueled incinerator that burned at nearly 2000 degrees. I was told the shirt’s power includes survivability in most fires but is unable to survive at such a high temperature. I was the one who had to put the shirt into the flame as it had a symbiotic relationship with me. The shirt burned but made a loud hissing sound as it was destroyed. Immediately my hangover appeared, as did several cuts and bruises on the bottom of my feet from my wild run. While I am thrilled I didn’t betray my partner; I admit that I felt an intense yearning for the experience that was interrupted by the officers. All that howling and moaning, howling and moaning…
My clothes and items from my hotel were delivered to the Baltimore Interpol office as the hotel I stayed at has banned me for life. After getting dressed, the woman agent took me to the airport. During the ride, she noticed I was smiling and still feeling pretty good. She asked if I was ok and why I was smiling after such an ordeal. I told her, “Officer, in my own way, I am just Realizing my Point B.”